I find that it’s a whole new and different feeling when your parents are gone. I lacked a father for six years. He died after suffering from Alzheimer’s for several years so he was lost to me before his death. Last month, my mother passed away suddenly. She was 92 years old and wanted to die for some time. Her prayers were finally answered. For several years before her death she became a different woman than the mother I knew. I lost both of my parents, to some degree, before their actual deaths but of course they were breathing, alive and required attention.
Now they are both deceased, passed away (terms we use to soften the word dead). They have been cremated, their ashes placed in identical urns and buried in a small town cemetery in Washington State. They are really gone. They are not of this earth. Where they are I do not know and I may never know.
I do know that I feel more alone on this earth. Even when my relationship with my parents was conflicted, (usually over politics) their presence provided a sense of continuity and kept my fear of death in the distance. Now I am next in line, the oldest of three siblings. I’m the next in line for death, with no generational barricade between me and my certain demise. I can no longer delude myself. Each day I become more aware of my aloneness, wandering in the world without a living older generation to protect me. I now must rely more on my own resources and those of my fellow generational partners such as my wife, siblings and friends. I would include my sons here but I hope they will never have to take care of me.
Like many things in my life the death of parents is multi-dimensional. Not only is it a loss which leaves me feeling more vulnerable and alone but it brings a new feeling of freedom. Even as I approached my seventh decade I shaped my behavior, beliefs and interactions in ways that I thought would please them. Sometimes this was purposeful, out of respect for them. Other times my adjustments were more subtle and entered my awareness only later. Yes, I have no doubt that their ways, their examples, their beliefs will always influence me but now, probably being next to die, I feel more free to become myself. And I must hurry. Life is a journey of self discovery. That journey and the discoveries that will be involved will become more intense and wide ranging than ever before. I hope to survive long enough to complete the major parts of my life journey. Perhaps we can never feel finished until the journey ends on our death bed but I want to know I did my best. Life is multi-layered and each time we go one layer deeper we find another layer to struggle through. What a mind-boggling privilege each moment of life is.
Stan the Man
